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Here at the Ministry of Zombies, we have trawled our bookshelves to find five of the most exciting new British authors in zombie & horror fiction. Now, we say ‘newcomer’ but some of these writers have been around for while with short stories but they all had new, breakthrough books in 2010 & 2011.
There is so much zombie fiction around at the moment, sometimes it’s good to recognise some of the amazing home-grown talent coming out of these islands. Represented in this list, you’ll find gritty real-life novels, amazing sprawling multi-book epics & classic comedy. Something they all share is they all wowed us here at the Ministry of Zombies.
So, here they are. Our Five of the Best. Of course, there are some other very talented authors out there but for now, here are five of the most exciting new British horror authors. They all deserve a place in our fortified Ministry of Zombies bunker when the zombie apocalypse hits the UK!
John McCuaig – a first novel with this London-based Scot. It’s amazing pace, tight scripting & simple but brilliantly told story keeps the reader glued to the page. One chapter more, just one chapter more, you look up & its gone midnight. McCuaig is an old-fashioned story-teller & we loved this story.
Darren Mills –this debut novel The Unnatural Dead was raw, edgy & feels like it's happening to you. It’s sharp, well-paced & would make a brilliant zombie flick. We’re watching Mr Mills to see what he comes up with next. What is for sure, it’s going to be more classic British zombie action….
Remy Porter – his debut novel Dead Beat ripped into the Ministry of Zombies book shelf as this ex-copper & now Aussie-based horror newcomer delivered a shot in the arm to zombie world. Very well-received & much praised – a very enjoyable zombie read. He has also since published some excellent short stories.
Chris Wood – zombie comedies or 'zombedies' aren’t well-represented these days but Wood’s Sherlock Holmes and the Flying Zombie Death Monkeys is truly a laugh out loud book. As they say, it’s grim out there at the moment so be of good cheer with this one. There’s a series in which Wood wrecks havoc with his gags. If you liked Blackadder, you’ll love this stuff.
Adam Millard – this guy seems to have come from no-where with two blistering books out – Dead Cell & Dead West. His books are like reading a blockbuster action movie – there is simply not a dull page. The books themselves are really well put together with some amazing artwork. We were lucky enough to get signed copies but his work is better known in the States than here. A guy to watch for the future.
Wow, in the words of the late, great Sir Jimmy Saville, hows about that then?
That lot should keep anyone’s Kindle busy. We have very much enjoy their work so hats off to them all & all our other hard working British & Irish authors.
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I’m not one for slagging other zombie books off but there is a lame zombie combat guide out there by an American author that I think adds little to what Mr Brooks has already outlined. As for myself, well, I detail survival and tactical guidelines but the chance to improve my actual combat skills in a live situation was just too good to ignore.
So, I signed up to RAM’s new Zombie Boot Camp – that is the chance to try out body armour, guns and tactics against real ‘zombies’….
I realised it’s a gap in my arsenal so I’m looking forward to the training. I had one hell of a day with the SAS a few years ago which left me shell-shocked but no zombies were involved. This is my chance to improve on my recent ZombieFest score in which I was the very first person killed.
I will do a full write up when I get back and if you want to join me please check out their website. And, no I aint on commission, I just want to some bodies to shield behind during the training.
http://ramtraining.co.uk/zombie_training.html
I’m there on the 15th October 2011. I am also going to ensure that the ‘zombies’ meet all of the required standards and that RAM have correctly assessed zombie capability. This is the expertise I can bring. The RAM chaps, well they are going to teach us how to survive!
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So, you live in a built up area - like most Britons. Why spend thousands on some mad plan to escape to Scotland when you will be safer staying put when the zombies arrive.
Fortification is the name of the game & to help you I have researched a well-defending dwelling in North London as an example.
Just see what these folks have done to make their pleasant bungalow secure.
The bars are clear for all to see - they say 'get out of my face' to wandering rapscallions & possibly add a 'I'm a bit mental' in the equation. But, the owners will be laughing when the ghouls come to town.
The outer wall could be higher & those roof tiles look like they need some loving but apart from that - this home says 'survivor'.
Notice also how the bars extend to all windows & doors. They have converted their garage into a food & supplies storage area but not forgotten to ensure it's secure. The chimney is also working - smokin.
I am convinced that a fortified home like this will get you through the first 90 days of the chaos...so don't forget to do an assessment on your own home this summer....think about how much money you are spending on that summer holiday - £1000? £2000? £3000? - now imagine how thrilled all of the family would be if you went out & spent it all on zombie home defence. They'd be thrilled. Guarantee.
Sleep safe survivors, I'm off to B&Q.
Sean
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The Ministry of Zombies in London wishes to formally recognise the pioneering work of author and zombie expert Eric S Brown.
Best known as ‘The King of Zombies’ - a title given to him by all of those who love his stories and something he likes to be known as around the home, he has published hundreds of short stories, a gaggle of novels and his latest work, Bigfoot War is currently savaging the charts on both sides of the Atlantic.
The are stacks of positive reviews for Bigfoot War on Amazon so I’m going to give you my take on it rather than repeating the verbiage of others.
Firstly, it’s a short, sharp & crisp book. The story races along at a pace and whilst loads of people have commented on the gore, I do think it all fits into the tale as nicely as a severed head in canvas sack.
Secondly, we are not talking Bigfoot here we are talking a tribe of Bigfoots. Eric has taken all the history of this creature and put his own spin on things. From something of a joke in monster circles, he picks up the creature and places it at number two on the scary thing list – just after zombies of course.
The Bigfoot War tale is a classic survival one – so you can expect great action and some interesting characters. Eric is not afraid to kill people off so either get used to it or go and cry to your mummy. His stories, not matter how fantastic, always read like real-life – there is always just enough reality in there to make it sound not quite as mad of the book-blurb can. With this book, you get a ring-side seat as a revenge killing takes place, only to be followed by a desperate battle for survival as a small town fights a tribe of these powerful creatures.
Bigfoot Wars 2 is in the pipeline and there’s also a campaign to get the book made into a movie. I suggest myself and Michelle Rodriguez (from Lost and Battle Los Angeles) for the lead role. I played the tax collector in a school play and plan to use this experience on the boards to wow my co-star.
So, where should you start with Eric stuff? Right, you are a bad person if you haven’t read his short stories so I recommend his collection for their zombic goodness. I also have his brilliant mash up novel on the shelf waiting to go so that’s in too. Then you must read Bigfoot Wars and Eric always mentions Seasons of Rot as some of his best work.
Eric S Brown is already widely known within our grim little zombie community but he is poised for bigger things as a writer. I know he has recently signed to a big publisher and I’m sure he’ll be doing more in the future. For many of us, he will always be the ‘King of Zombies’ but I’ve got a feeling he is gonna shock us by coming up with new and different stuff in the future.
Recommended Eric Reading List Links
http://www.amazon.com/Season-Rot-Five-Zombie-Novellas/dp/1934861227/ref=pd_sim_b
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 This is the first time I’ve dedicated a blog entry to one writer and more than that – he doesn’t just write about zombies.
So, I’m talking about author and good egg, Chris Wood.
(By the way, if you found that cunning intro title of mine funny, then read on. If not, then this may not be your cup of tea.)
The two of his titles I have read & come to love are titled
· Sherlock Holmes & the Underpants of Death
· Sherlock Holmes and the Flying Zombie Death Monkeys
I’m a big fan of short stories and both of these volumes are chock full of some of the funniest ones I’ve read for a longterm. (Don’t worry I’m not on commission for them – they just gave me some hours of amusement.)
It is said that the oldest joke in the world invovled a wife breaking wind and if you, like me, find toilet humour an endless source of amusement – then these tales may be for you.
Told from the perspective of the long-suffering Watson, they echo the pattern of the classic holmesian tales but with a wicked Ben Eltonesque humour thrown in. Victorian England has never been so awash with fiendish plots and scary stories as in these tales. The one involving the haunted underpants will terrify you for months after reading.
However, I have to say, the craft of the writing is actually very good – Wood puts the stories together with care and weaves some classic farce in there as well. The whole feeling is meant to be that of a b-movie and it works well in both books.
So, exactly what had Mr Woods created here? Well, he has seriously twisted the Sherlock Holmes mythos & I think created some much need humour. Life is a bit grim out there at the moment & just because I spend most of my time hiding behind a locked front door waiting for the zombies to arrive, it doesn’t mean I don’t want some amusement along the way.
I therefore thoroughly recommend these twisted and crazy volumes to you all.
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 I have recently had a series of meetings with one of the world's foremost zombie science experts. I first met Doctor Austin with the Zombie Institute of Studies some years again at a conference.
Well, finally he has decided to offer his research to the wider public. A move I heartily support
From what I've seen, there will be a whole series of public lectures & online examinations. It's the most comprehensive zombie eduction roadshow I've ever seen.
Visit the Institute's website here www.zombiescience.co.uk and check on those lecture dates.
He is going to be adding more dates in the future. Finally I feel that things are starting to turn the corner here in the UK in terms of zombie outbreak preparations.
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Here’s a quick update on my latest work, which will be out in the middle of this year.
It’s been another mammoth research task, involving everything from people fixing compressed gas cylinders on the wings of microlites to consulting experts on the real issues of fighting a major war against the zombies.
The book is a follow up but it stands on its own two feet. There are some good survival guides out there now and for the first time, I think we have the information we need to survive the opening months of the zombie apocalypse. Personally, I’m not a big fan of the joke guides – this is too serious an issue.
The new book is all about the fight-back, the dirty business of building a survivor community & creating a force which can take on the zombies and win. This includes developed Armed Forces, long-term plans, etc but also how to deal with all of the various human survivor groups which will emerge from the ruins….robber barons, generation Z….
There are also some updates on the science behind zombies, including some startling new research which I think will change everything. This stuff has become more and more complicated but it is information we need to know.
I have consulted far more widely into the zombie communities on this one so it’s going to be a work I hope loads of folks will find interesting.
Stay tuned for more details…
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 Things have been very hectic here at the Ministry of Zombies – the main cause of this tension has been the WikiLeaks' revelations about our anti-zombie work here and abroad.
So, to set the record straight, here are a few issues to be clear on.
§ At no point did the Ministry know anything about the walking dead experiments on the Isle of Skye in Scotland. We have never been there and have no relative or Auntie who has ever lived on the island.
§ No one from the Ministry referred to Prince Andrew as a ‘privileged buffoon’. We are a fiercely loyal bunch and would never use such a phrase around to describe the royal family.
§ Our recent trip to Hawaii was research orientated and not a ‘jolly’. The time spent in the bar was a key part of this research.
§ No one involved in the Ministry made crank calls to the producers of US show “Jericho” to rant at the way it was cancelled. We at the Ministry are far too busy to be chasing TV shows.
§ We have never described French anti-zombie preparations as “poor and garlic-soaked” – this is an insult to all the handwork our Gallic cousins have put in.
§ Finally, at no time has anyone at the ministry described the TV series The Walking Dead as “..the best thing in the world ever dude, really, like ever in the whole galaxy mate.” Although, we admit it is may well be.
So, hopefully, this will answer the latest leaks. If any more come out, we’ll pick them up and respond to them. Also, if Candy is still out there, we need a VAT tax receipt for that show last year – please class it as a business expense.
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When, not if, but when the zombies arrive you can forget bashing your way to victory in an over-crowded island like the UK – there will be millions of ghouls within days.
In my handbook, I have focused on the practical elements of surviving. So, you won’t find so many cute pictures but plenty of information on water, food, fortifications…
One of my main points is running silent and surviving the first hectic and dangerous few weeks.
I present for your consideration some photos of a location which must remain secret. I just want you to check the pictures and see what I’m talking about. This site is deep under one of our major towns – it’s run down sure but it does have ventilation and you could get the power working. You could well pass it each day and never know.
We do live in an over-crowded island but there are locations like this all over the UK – you just need to look hard. If you had the supplies, you could easily see out the whole opening phase safely locked up in your secret location.
All I’m saying is have a look around and plan your moves…where will you disappear to when the zombies arrive?
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We all love zombie books. You love em, I love em, we all buy em. But today’s zombie survival sermon is a cautionary tale…
There are loads of great zombie book novels out there – some good entertainment, some an excellent tutorial in battling the living dead. Others pure works of fiction in every sense of the word, filled with madness such as talking zombies, thinking zombies, super-ghouls…
My note of caution is that whilst reading is a worthwhile exercise – don’t overlook physical training or practical skills.
In one survey at a top five consultancy, zombie enthusiasts were asked where they spent most of their ‘survival budget’. No surprise it was on books. Piles of books.
Enough to block the door as the hungry dead try to batter it down?
Of course, knowledge is power but you also need to get your home prepared. Get fit. Get your food stocked up.
Once the living dead arrive, you will need knowledge and these skills to survive – don’t just be a book worm….worms almost always get squashed.
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Coulrophobia is an abnormal or exaggerated fear of clowns. Why do I mention this in a blog about zombies, well, honestly there are two reasons.
Firstly, I have this fantastic zombie clown that must be seen. But secondly, to remind brave zombie survivalists that the living dead can and do come in all shapes and sizes - many as frightening as they are deadly.
For example, most movies steer clear of particularly sensitive areas such as the infamous 'kiddie ghoul' - that is a munchkin, typically under 10, who has been tragically turned into a zombie - and guess where they will bite you first at that height....nasty...
It's not just kiddie ghouls - there's baby ghouls, geriatric ghouls - huge ghouls bloated by a build of gastric acid in their undead stomach - known in the industry as 'bloaters'.
The latest research I have here at the Ministry is that there are stages in Zombification - that is changes in the 'dead body' after it has become zombic. Broadly, this includes the complex chemical changes in the body, around gastric acid, blood etc etc. Dr Ahmed will be releasing this information as soon as it is prepared. So, nothing supernatural about bloaters - in fact, nothing supernatural about any of the unsavoury ghoul-types mentioned above - none are immune to that lethal bite.
It's a message I've spread before - during a zombie apocalypse, you are going to encounter some horrific sights. How can you prepare for this? Some will argue that a trip to Primark along Oxford Street on a busy Saturday is the best preparation and it is true that there are some sights to behold there - particularly with the expansive nature of lycra-leggings these days.
So, what words of wisdom can I offer?
Well, I can pimp my book to help you prepare - The Official Zombie Handbook UK - it's our collected wisdom to date.
But the real truth is, you just need to do something - stock up on your supplies, check your water, strengthen your fence, use your horror books to throw at the zombies....
And, how can you prepare for zombie clowns? - try watching Stephen King's mini-series IT on DVD - that should scare the sh*& out of you...pre-warned is pre-armed as they say...
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 Stupid question right? Or cutting right to the chase.
A couple of people have emailled me asking how they should determine whether someone is still human or a hopeless member of the living dead.
Well, the signs are not always obvious. For one, there is no documented case of a zombie ever speaking but then some people are unable to speak. Secondly, ghouls lumber around, lop-sided & unbalanced - hell, so do most of the people in central London on a busy Friday night. Finally, they have an apetite for human flesh - we all know this but you can't wait until they take a chunk to confirm that are indeed zombies.
Plenty of people will be 'trigger happy' when the ghouls come to town, be they swinging with an axe, busting with a crowbar or poking with pitchfork - a lot of innocent people are going to get hurt.
You must have clear protocols when dealing with the living dead - no matter what are you looking at. A clear verbal warning is a first step. Hand signals another. In you are in doubt & before they get too close, you may just need to take a swing. Run if can, but be prepared to fight if you can't.
There are many definitions of a zombie - my advice is to be cautious of those referencing just the look - sure some will be crusty & half-decomposed but others will be freezer-fresh - don't judge a book by its cover..
Artwork by www.idrawzombies.com |
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A question often asked is whether the Zombic Condition can spread to members of the animal kingdom. This could have massive consequences for the survivor community in terms of the threat faced with the prospect of living dead dogs, cats and even birds, adding a frightening new vector to the zombie menace
Current research indicates that the Zombic Condition only develops in humans, although the virus itself can be present in animals. A serious lack of research in this area does leave the possibility that other animals, particularly primates, may be prone to the condition but there are no documented examples. With the number of primates in the UK, even if the condition did develop, it would pose little real threat to any remaining humans. Far more dangerous will be the wandering packs of uninfected dogs which will grow increasingly desperate and wild as they are left to fend for themselves.
Another question to consider is whether zombies would be attracted to the fresh meat of other living creatures other than humans? Would our innocent pets be as much in danger from the shambling masses as we are?
Current orthodoxy is that the living dead have a strong preference for human flesh and that they show little interest in any type of animal. They seem to be drawn to living people with a drive and passion which overwhelms any other food source and would ignore any other life form close by. Whether they would ever start to eat other living creatures is not clear but a witness to an outbreak from the 1920s in what is now modern day Iraq reported seeing ghouls in the desert scooping up large black beetles and clumsily putting them in their mouths. These zombies had been wandering the desert for some time and it may be they were using whatever life was available until they could once again reach their preferred food source - humans. No other documented examples of the living dead eating animals exists so for the moment this issue, as with many others in zombiology, must remain open.
If you want some great fiction on zombie creatures read Severed Press’s Zombie Zoology. But, remember it is fictional. Probably still give you nightmares.
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Who will survive the coming zombie apocalypse?
My research this week has meant I have been looking at this question from every angle.
Our inner city gangs come out quite well. If they can get themselves organised quickly enough, there is every chance that with their access to firearms and their local knowledge, they will be able to survive and even thrive in urban areas.
Frightening stuff for us ‘normal’ folk – one can easily imagine these villains controlling areas of relative safety – what price will they extract – some of our stores? Will we become their virtual slaves?
My advice has always been to run silent in the first months of a zombie outbreak – keep your head down and stay safe. There will be plenty of desperate people out there, advertising that you are well-prepared and well-stocked is one sure way to get yourself attacked.
As things get toasty & the zombies run amok, you can expect many more people to fall into this ‘desperate’ category – you can expect to see some very disturbing sights & I don’t just mean the ghouls. You will have families robbing from other families, neighbours willing to steal from anyone – make no mistake; the battle for survival won’t just be against the zombies.
However, whilst the zombie apocalypse will show us the worst humanity has to offer, it may also us the best, as former strangers take in lone stragglers or battle to defend other survivors. We can only hope that on our small island, we can at least try to work together to defeat the living dead menace without becoming some mad max style society within a few weeks.
Be interested in your comments on which community you think will best survive the zombies….the military, police, Mormons?
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When people talk about the upcoming war against the zombies, they always factor in our use of modern weapons and in particular artillery and how these could devastate the living dead as they shamble towards us.
Well, a Ministry of Defence contact has this week confirmed that we have enough ammunition stocks for only 3 weeks of sustained action in this country – basically, within a short time our forces would simply run out of ammo for their guns.
If you are interested the stock for small arms was nearer 2 weeks… The Ministry of Defence operates a policy known as ‘lean operations’ in which just enough of each item is ordered, as you can imagine, this saves millions if not billions of pounds.
Trouble is when the ghouls hit town, we are gonna need those bullets & in a hurry.
As the Minister of Zombies in our current hug parliament, I have called for urgent stocks of guns & weapons to be purchased.
We bailed out the banks, it’s now time to bail out our national zombie defence plans….
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I was deeply disturbed to find that we have a zombie rights party standing here in the UK for election. When will people learn, these blood-thirsty creatures should never be allowed into government......or should they?
Have a look :
Friends from abroad do not fear, many of us with fight to the end to stop the living dead menace from making policy here in the UK.
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It has been estimated that there are over 200 zombies being held in this country for scientific research purposes. I have one, possibly two, in my fortified shed outback – so that still leaves around 200 around the nation.
Why do I raise this?
Well, I contacted the top ten universities in this country to check on any research being done into the Zombic Condition – so far, I have two responses & am now no longer able to enter the grounds of University College Hospital in London. (A trifle unfair I thought bearing in mind the “arm” I was carrying as a sample was not attached to any living dead body.)
So, where the blazes are the living dead in the UK?
My 200 figure came from a very reliable worker in this field. I can only think they are with private companies or research bodies…
I phoned GlaxoSmithKline this morning & they forwarded me to Human Resources (Remains) – I’ll keep you all posted but things don’t look hopeful.
I am greatly concerned about exactly where these creatures are & under what conditions they are being kept. Mine are chained & locked in a fortified building. If they did get out, the garden is sealed in so I could deal with them no problem. Worse thing they could do is mess with my swinging chair.
I just don’t trust companies around the living dead – just too much bad history…when will people learn that profit & zombies just don’t mix….
If you know or work for a company using the undead for some purpose, please contact me, keep your name secret if you have to…just speak out now.
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Today has been a day of two halves.
In the morning, I smashed 4 old snooker cues - I scored them very low in my previous tests & someone challenged me saying they were much stronger. Rubbish - I cracked them over watermelons for 2 hours this morning. They stink as an anti-ghoul weapon - broke in minutes of pounding. Totally worthless as a weapon...
In the afternoon, I had time booked with an expert on computer models about insects - what I hear you ask - well, I have been looking at swarms, with particular reference to how they may comparable to zombies. The model was really scary - more of this later but it threw up some scenarios which made the first wave of ghouls look like a picnic. I will write this up next week - it has some real implications for my research...
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One thing which can confuse the zombie expert on the interweb is the sheer volume of sites out there – some great, some misguided, some last updated in the 1998 – you get the picture.
I have started collecting together the sites I rely on for source material & news. It aint a big list to start with but I’ll add to as I can (see Favourite Links).
My advice is don’t go chicken oriental (mental) about it – research on sites you trust. You will find a link for the Zombie Times in my list – that is a great place to start & the team really know what they are doing – subscription to the email list is free…sweet.
Anyway, I have some ‘projects’ at home that it is really not safe to leave for much longer so I need to go. Also, I need to drop into the hardware shop on the way home – I need some strong wire, paint stripper & a box of 6 inch nails – don’t ask yet, all will be revealed in later blogs….
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I was doing some research for my next zombie project & I came across numerous incidents where natural or man-made disasters have led to disease outbreaks of various sorts – cholera is always a big one with infected water supplies etc.
Got me thinking, much of our emergency planning against ghouls has assumed a reasonable if ineffective level of governance. Suppose the framework of law & order was already damaged by say a flood, a quake etc. Once you start working it through your mind, it is a very sinister scenario…..
I am commissioning some research as we speak but I am convinced that the zombie virus will use ‘break out’ in areas which have suffered disasters – in addition, what impact will global warming have on the zombie menace?
Even more reason to donate to the emergency authorities & charities on the ground…
The best site in the UK is:-
www.dec.org.uk.
Give what you can. These organisations can help get the people in places such as Haiti & Chile up & running. I & many others are ready with our cricket bats, guns & axes to help clear out any zombie outbreaks which follow.
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